Zen

It’s hard to explain… okay, Ramil, how did it feel to watch the sunrise from the top of Apo the first time you climbed it?

Pare, watching the sunrise from any summit, whether it’s the first or the hundredth time I’ve been on it, it’s, you know… I don’t know, wild. It’s just this incredible feeling of being there.

Uh-huh… Sheila, how about when you’re working on, say, a painting, under the influence of some kind of inspiration?

It’s intense, James… it’s like time just flies, and you’re flying along with it, all the brush strokes and colors all coming together. It just takes you away, you know?

Wouldn’t you agree that the phrase for it is being in transport?

Yes…Yeah, man, that’s exactly it.

That’s how I feel on a ride. The rush, the feeling of freedom, the intense sense of clarity – it’s all there while I’m humming along some provincial highway, sandwiched between hot sun and blacktop, sweating under my leathers, the needle hovering at a hundred. It’s almost spiritual… and while transported, in those moments of clarity, I sometimes get answers to questions that bother me.

(Honey, your friend’s kinda weird.)

(No no. Believe it or not, Sheila and I can relate. Don’t you? When was the last time you were doing something that made you feel like you were being blown out of your mind?)

(If you put it that way…with you, last night.)

(You mean you do your introspection while we’re in bed?)

(We-ell, it helps if I’m on top.)

– James, Ramil, Sheila, and Daphne, over coffee at Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf, at the Glorietta


(clutch, shift to third, release; needle moves up to eighty)


It’s been nearly five years since I first saw her enter the engineering office, nearly four and a half since I first began to take real notice of her. She had the most engaging sense of humor, and her cute little eyes had this twinkled when she laughed. Even her laughter was infectious; nobody wouldn’t break into smiles if she was heard laughing at some little joke Carlo made. Lara was the type of person who got along well with everyone, and that was one of the things I liked about her. I mean, I wasn’t exactly popular or anything; how could I not admire her way of being at ease with everyone when she was a newbie? She’s, well, pretty nice.


(signal left, quick check of mirror, nobody behind)


Is it fair to say that I liked her from the start? Yeah, I guess it was… not the like kind of like, just like. I mean, I was in my first real relationship, and I’m not the cheating kind. So there it stayed.


(lean to the left, just a touch; overtake the jeepney cleanly)


But what after the time Dana and I were through? Well, there’s a question… I guess it’s only fair to say that I took my time, easing myself out of the situation. Yeah, there was always this little special spot for Lara, all this time. Dammit, that sounds just like Manong Eric when he talks about his thing with Toni. Jeez, aren’t he and I a pair… of losers? Shit, I hope not.


(clutch, shift to fourth, release; needle moves up to ninety)


So what’s it like, liking her on and off for these four-odd years? Ha! What was it like? Moments of being nice to her, trying to get close, but never successfully. In her eyes I had no credibility. I wasn’t believable. I couldn’t pay her a compliment that she could accept – something as trivial, say like “nice T-shirt” or something, without her reacting with the typical disbelieving “Ayuzah!” Not that she reacted any differently with me as she did with other people, just that with me she was more disbelieving.

Do I know why I was without credibility? Know for sure – of course not. It just was that way. It’s something I’ve had to accept.

I’ve never thought ill of her because of that… more to the point, I’ve never thought ill of her at any point in the time we were colleagues.


(clutch, shift to fifth, release; needle moves up to a hundred five)


So what now, then, now that she’s leaving? It’s almost certain that we won’t keep in touch. I mean, as it is right now, we’re friendly, but we aren’t really friends. What now?

Does it matter?

Should it matter?

Maybe it does matter – to me, at least. But even if it does matter, maybe it shouldn’t, as I don’t to her anyway.

So? What does that mean, then?

Nothing.

Simply wish her well, Godspeed her on her way, and just let it go. It isn’t entirely accurate to say “let her go”, as she was never mine to lose anyway. Let go, meaning, transform past into memory.

Is there anything left between us to talk about?

No. There’s nothing I have to say that she’ll listen to anyway.

Where does that leave us, then?

There is no “us”, but with regard to the question… She goes her way, and I go mine. That’s all there is to it. That’s all.

And are there any questions left unasked?

There are no questions left unanswered, at least.


(signal right, feather on the brake, downshift smoothly)


“Need some gas.”